I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
