i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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