glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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