Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
