dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
