He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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