the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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