im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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