You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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