my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
