words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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