Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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