when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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