I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
