i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize