I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
