How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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