All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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