i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
