Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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