I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
