My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
