life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The convent might be a nice break from real life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
