he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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