Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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