Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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