Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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