You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
