i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
