When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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