I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
