i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
