you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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