Don't make out with my wife yet
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
