she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
