More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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