Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
