I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
