my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
