Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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