my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize