Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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