I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
