Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
