i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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