who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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