My cat gives me a boner
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
