we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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