i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
