At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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