why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
