i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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