it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
