Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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