I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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