what day is it and did you see me today?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
