theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
