the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
